Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

1. What condiment goes best with french fries?

None. I eat 'em nekkid.

2. What condiment do you feel best represents your personality?

Now, there's a question I've never been asked before. Mayonnaise.

3. If the love of your life was a different religion from you, would you convert for them if they asked you to?

She is, and I haven't.

4. What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter?

Crackers.

5. If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?

Absolutely not.

6. If you could change your eye color to anything in the world you wanted, what would you change it to?

I'm content with blue. (Of all the things to waste a miracle on...)

7. Are you more often the partner in crime or the good conscience with your friends and family?

I'm afraid I'm the stick-in-the-mud conscience.

1. Have you ever had a sexual experience with the opposite sex?

Once or twice.

I see from the comments that this question was supposed to have been "...same sex", so I'll answer that. Nope.

2. When you see someone you like, how do you act, how do you get their attention?

I try to say something funny.

3. Dominate or dominated, which do you prefer?

Dominated. Everything feels good, and I hate making decisions.

4. Would you/ Have you ever had a threesome?

Never have. It would depend on the specific threesome involved.

5. When was the last time you had sex?

St. Valentine's day. Sigh.

6. Sex on the first date...good or bad?

Generally inadvisable.

7. Do you have any random or out of the ordinary turn ons?

They don't seem random to me. A gentle caress on the back of my hand is electric.

8. What attributes attract you to a potential partner?

Shared interests, intelligence, wit.

1. Is April 1st a fun day, or an annoyance?

An annoyance. I wonder how much of the crap cluttering up my brain is someone else's joke that I thought was true.

2. What is the best prank you ever pulled or had pulled on you?

Can't think of any.

3. What do you think is the most underrated sexual act?

Hand job. You can do it anywhere with tools you always have with you. :)

4. What is your favorite website?

Oh, gosh, I can't pick one. I guess Google Reader doesn't count?

5. What is the most annoying commercial on the air right now?

"Now that's thinking with your dipstick, Jimmy." I swear, I will never buy Castrol motor oil.

6. If you were going to create a porn movie, please describe the title, premise and 1st sex scene.

"Elves-a-poppin'", the heartwarming (or something) story of Hermy, the elf who wants to be a heterosexual male stripper. Ostracised by the repressed elves at Santa's workshop, he accompanies Vixen the north pole dancer and Yukon Cordelia the transexual prospector on a quest to the Island of Misfit Sex Toys.

Oh, the first scene is a song: "Me and Mrs Claus". But no matter how "extra-careful" they are, Santa still knows when they've been bad or good--because he's hiding in the closet.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

1. Have you ever sent or recieved a sext message?

No. The technology didn't exist when we were young, or we might well have. We did exchange some actual pen-on-paper letters that I would rather my children didn't see.

2. Have you ever made or received a booty call?

No. Sigh.

3. Have you ever added or edited a word/entry to Wikipedia or Urban Dictionary or any other online reference?

I think I've edited one or two entries at Wikipedia, but I can't remember what they were. They weren't sexually oriented.

4. At what age did you have your first consensual sexual experience?

You mean, with another person? And just kissing doesn't count? I was eighteen, she was seventeen.

5. What has been the greatest age difference between you a consensual sexual partner?

See above.

Bonus (as in optional): Why do you blog?

Sometimes I wonder. Because writing helps me get my thoughts in order, and I can't stand to write solely for myself.

1. What is your significant others worst habit?

Her high standards of activity and time-management are a blessing and a curse.

2. What piece of clothing that isn't lingerie or an undergarment do you have that you feel especially sexy/handsome in?

I have a brown, green and orange hawaiian shirt that I particularly like.

3. If you could drink ONLY two beverages for the rest of your life, which would you pick?

Sweet tea and decaf Dr Pepper. I mean, assuming water doesn't count.

4. What is your worst habit?

Procrastination.

5. Are you superstitious in any way?

Nope. Well, not really. I don't do April Fool essays. They keep coming true.

6. What kind of shopping do you hate doing most? (Grocery shopping, clothes shopping, shoe shopping, etc)

Fresh foods (meats and produce).

7. What was a “fad” you remember from your childhood?

You really want me to date myself here. Okay. Hula hoops. I sucked at them, and still do.

1. Ever Googled a date, a potential date or an ex?

I haven't had a "date or potential date" since Google was invented. I have occasionally Googled an ex, but I've never actually found one.

2. Do you gossip?

Probably, but it does not seem to me that I do.

3. How many people do you completely trust?

One, the Lady of the house.

4. Have you ever had sex in car?

Yes. Not lately, because (1) we have a bed and (2) we're not as flexible as we used to be.

5. What is your best flirting technique: innuendo, telling a dirty joke, talking about sex life, or physical contact?

I think that would be innuendo.

Bonus (as in optional): How many times is the most you have ever had sex in a 24 hour period?

I honestly haven't kept count. Probably three or four times.

1. In your opinion, what is your biggest character flaw?

Shyness.

2. What do you think is one of the worst television shows ever created?

There's a lot of competition for that one. I'll go with "Woops!", an early Fox sitcom about the aftermath of nuclear armageddon.

3. Have you ever ended up injured after trying an interesting new sex position?

No. I have, however, ended up sore the next day.

4. How crucial do you think communication is between you and a regular sexual partner? Do you talk often about what works, what doesn't, things you want to try, etc or do you keep the discussions to a minimal and let the physical flow as it may?

It is important, but I can't bring myself to be as open as I want to be. See answer to question (1) above.

5. Who are your favorite comedic actors/actresses?

Peter Sellers. Gene Wilder. John Cleese.
Meg Ryan. Carol Burnett. Lisa Kudrow.

6. In what way(s) do you wish your childhood was different?

Just about any old way would do. I guess the biggest mistake I'd like to undo would be skipping second grade.

7. Cotton Candy; Delicious treat or disgusting mess?

Disgusting mess.

1. Don't tell us what it is, but do you have a sexual secret you have never told anyone?

Yes.

2. Do you have a nonsexual secret you have never told anyone?

Yes.

3. Did you ever tell someone a secret only to have them spill it? What were the repercussions?

Yes. I lost that person as a friend; I lost the girlfriend I was seeing at the time; I lost my parents' trust; and they lost mine. It was pretty much a catastrophe in every way one can measure it.

4. Did you ever spill a secret someone told you? What were the repercussions?

No.

5. Tell us a secret someone told you, however along ago, that you've never told. (You can disguise name or details)

No.

1. What makes a person sexy to you?

If I could define what appeals to me about someone, it wouldn't be sexy. It's a degree of being comfortable with oneself.

2. When having the 'number of sex partners' talk with a potential significant other, would you be turned off if they had slept with more than a certain number of people? If yes, what is that number?

I can't think of any number that would actually turn me off. Which isn't to say I would have no reaction if her number were in the dozens.

3. Once and for all, pocketbook sized dogs and the people who carry them in pocketbooks. Cute or crazy?

Crazy. But then, I'm not really a pet person.

4. Do you give up anything for Lent? If so, what?

No. (Sometimes I feel that I've been given up for Lent...)

5. If you live with someone, what is the one thing you will never let them see you do?

As the years with the Lady of the house have passed, there isn't much we haven't seen or done in each other's presence by now. I still have trouble peeing with an audience, though, so I'll choose that.

1. Are you pro-marriage? Why or why not?

I like the idea of marriage, and I like being married. It's a useful social contract. However, I also think that we've done it and ourselves harm by allowing religion to define it. I don't believe in the "cleve only unto the other, forsaking all others" bit. That's too much to ask. And I really disapprove of any form of consensual sex being a crime. Someday I will succeed in saying just how absurd I think that idea is.

2. Have you ever invented or thought you invented a sexual position?

Good God, no.

3. Do you like to be tied up? Always or sometimes?

I have never been tied up. This is something I desperately want to try.

4. Do you consider online cybering adultery?

No.

5. Do you prefer masturbation over real sex?

No. But it has its uses, its proper time and place.

6. Do you want sex more times a day than your partner?

Bwah hah hah! "Times a day", plural? I've reached the age where I may not be capable of multiple "times a day." It would be fun to try, though.

Yes, I want sex more often than my partner does.

7. Do you get offended when you partner openly flirts with others or are you okay with it?

If it ever happened, I would be fine with it. Any confirmation that sex is on her radar at all would be good.

8. Do you think you're flirty by nature?

No. But I can be flirty depending on the person I'm with.

1. Is there a sexual act/position/practice that you were sure in advance you would hate (or never try) and then discovered to your surprise you loved?

Not really. Well, not yet.

2. Is there a sexual act/position/practice that proved a lot less interesting in practice than you thought it would be beforehand?

Doggy style didn't move me when we first tried it. Over time I've come to understand that not getting an orgasm right away isn't a flaw.

3. How do you let your significant other know you're in the mood? How do you let a new person in your life know?

I tell her. Perhaps I should be more subtle.

4. How does your significant other let you know he/she is in the mood?

She lets her hands roam to places I cannot resist.

5. Is there one that got away - a sexual opportunity you didn't realise was one at the time, or weren't ready for and regret missing ever since?

God, yes.

1.) What is one thing one of your closest friends does that drives you batshit crazy?

Why, none of my friends do anything that drives me crazy. If anything, it's the other way around.

2.) When buying a new sex toy, what are the features you look for that you absolutely have to have?

I have no idea how to answer this question. Wait, yes I do. I have to be able to clean it easily without risk of destroying it.

3.) If you woke up the opposite gender for one day, what would be the biggest downside to that for you?

There's a downside...? Well, if it was the day I had cramps, that wouldn't be optimal.

4.) Do you use curse words in front of children?

No. I try not to contribute to the deliquency of any minors who aren't mine.

5.) If you were zapped with a laser and turned into an animated character, what Disney movie would you hate to play a part in?

I don't know. Most of them gave happy endings to everyone not actually a Bad Guy. Maybe the Lion King. All those lions have to eat something.

6.) How would you react to your partner answering a phone call or text message during foreplay or intercourse?

With tolerant resignation.

7.) What are three things you want to try doing but haven't yet? (They can be sexual or non-sexual, doesn't matter.)

Oh, how can it possibly not matter? Actually, I think all of the things I want to try but haven't done yet are sexual.

1.) You're on a trip taking a tour through the jungle. You have a backpack with some food, some first aid supplies, a pocket knife, a flashlight and a couple bottles of water. Some how, you get separated from your group. By night fall you haven't found your group and haven't heard them looking for you. How long do you think you would be able to survive on your own?

How did some bonehead persuade me to go on a jungle hike?
What idiot packed my backpack? Did I accidentally pick up someone else's?
You haven't mentioned the temperature, or the local wildlife. Assuming no life-threatening issues with that, I judge I could survive for several days, although I wouldn't be very happy about it.

2.) Do you think it's okay to lie to spare someone's feelings? Why?

I mentioned on TMI Tuesday that I place a great value on honesty. That said, yes, of course, there are circumstances when one's friend's feelings are more important than absolute, unrestrained truth. Funerals, job interviews, and one's first time in bed with a new partner are three situations where more or less dilution is called for.

3.) If a talking (insert your name here) doll were made, what are THREE phrases it would say?

Rappin' Regin, eh? Let me think...

• "On the other hand..."
• "Mmmmm..."
• "I can be there in thirty minutes." (Inside joke.)

4.) If the super power to be able to read minds at your own will were possible, do you think it would be... cool and helpful, intrusive and wrong, manipulative or maddening? Explain why you would or wouldn't want to be able to read anyone's mind at your own will.

It would be cool and helpful...to me. The people around me might judge it to be intrusive and wrong...if I were so mind-bogglingly stupid as to tell them I could do it. But none of us can control how perceptive the people around us are.

5.) Drunk confessions, are they the things people can't bring themselves to say sober or just crazy ramblings of an influenced and intoxicated mind?

Depends on the drunk in question, but generally just crazy ramblings.

6.) What brings out the worst in you?

Silly meme questions, apparently.

Actually, I'll go with being condescended to.

7.) Do you think long distance relationships work? Have you ever been in one before?

They can work. When we were in college, my Beloved and I were in different schools in different parts of the state, about two to two-and-a-half hours apart. That doesn't seem like far now, but in mid-week she might as well have been on the moon.

1. What do find is the most exciting part of a new sexual encounter?

Well, it's been a while since I've had a new one...

I'll take the moment where both partners know the encounter will be sexual.

2. Do you have "a most exciting part of a sexual encounter" with a usual partner?

Same answer.

3. How open and honest are you about your life with someone you just met?

Pretty honest (why would I lie?) but not necessarily open.

4. How open and honest are you about your life with someone you work with?

Again, honesty is a good habit to get into. But I guard my openness.

5. How open and honest are you about your life with a casual acquaintance who lives in your neighborhood (or the parent a your child's friend or...)?

You mean, other than blogging about it for an audience of well over a dozen people a month? Not very.

Bonus (as in optional): Define a "normal" as in "normal relationship" or "normal sex life".

I don't think defining "normal" here is of any benefit at all.

Originally from Rants, Ramblings and other Brain Farts, picked up and redistributed by Secrets of a Blue-Eyed Vixen:

question: you just found out that your significant other has been having an on-going sexual relationship with someone else. the kicker is that the "someone else" is the same sex as your significant other (i.e. ww or mm). which of the following best describes your thoughts?

1. oh yuck!!!! you kiss me with that mouth too!
2. oh well. guess they need a little of that which i can not give.
3. oh baby!!!! this brings so many ideas and options to our sex life.
4. oh damn! where did i put that lawyer's phone number?
5. [fill in the blank with anything i missed]

Looks like a solid option 2 for me.

My answers to some previous meme questions should make clear that I don't feel that I own my Beloved's sex life, nor she mine. I would like to think that if she needed something that I was capable of, she would have said so to me.

A threesome might not occur to me: It would depend on who my Beloved's Other was. I'd also like to think I'm open-minded enough not to get caught up in #1. There is absolutely no chance I would call a lawyer.