If you've been following my adventures for longer than a month or two, you're aware that I've been trying to arrive at a workable routine to keep myself smooth and hair-free from the neck down.

If you were to ask me why I'm doing this, I'm not sure I could tell you. It's not a point of view that was arrived at reasonably. I like to think of myself as a logical person, with explicable reasons for what I do, but this question disproves that soundly. I can only say that my self-image has no body hair -- and now, finally, neither do I.

For that matter, it's not a condition I arrived at entirely intentionally. It's a comedy of errors, one might say, but one that is reaching some kind of resolution.

When this topic last appeared, I had just decided I could easily prepare the materials needed to perform a home "sugaring" on myself. It's not difficult: anyone with a saucepan and a candy thermometer can do it. This page from Care2.com describes a basic recipe.

I further decided, on the basis of trying it on a small patch on my forearm, that I could tolerate actually using the sugaring compound. This was, how shall I say it, overly optimistic. The skin on my arm is much tighter than the flesh on my chest, where the operation proved to be much more painful.

So. Sugaring (and presumably waxing) were above my pain threshhold. Laser hair reduction is financially prohibitive. After some trial and error, I've settled on a combination of the remaining technologies.

1. Mass deforestation: electric trimmer, for a neck-to-toe "crew cut"
2. The last millimeters: Nair for Men
3. Smoothing: foil-head electric shaver
4. Closer than close and touching-up: disposable twin-blade razors

Having once-and-for-all eliminated the majority of my body hair, I won't need the trimmer again. The regular regimen (probably weekly) will start with Nair for Men.

(Those of you who have actually used Nair on your testicles will be crying "No, no!" It does sting a bit, but I only have to endure five minutes of it. If you do this, I strongly recommend wearing a condom over at least the glans.)

Nair alone is usually enough for my legs, ass, and back--but then, my hair is light and fine. I haven't decided whether I'm going to keep my arms hairless, but if I do I expect Nair will do that trick too. The electric shaver is enough to get everything Nair misses.

I can tell now that the majority of my time is going to be spent keeping my chest smooth. That part of my chest where Superman's shield would be is going to need shaving daily, or it's going to be the world's largest five o'clock shadow. Because my hair is fair and fine, it won't show after only one day--but chest stubble is murder.

Then comes the trick of using a blade.

1. Use fresh blades. They're disposable.
2. Use shaving gel, for lubrication.
3. Learn what direction hair grows. It's different in different places. On my chest, for instance, it grows away from my nipples, and at a downward angle between them, roughly paralleling the "V" shape at the bottom of Superman's shield. Shaving straight up and down doesn't work there.
4. First shave with the direction of hair growth, then against.
5. Take your time.
6. Don't overshave: It causes razor burn. There's always tomorrow.
7. Treat your skin with witchhazel instead of a commercial aftershave.

Testicles are best touched-up with the blade as well, using the lightest possible stroke. Bringing a razor blade close to 'em is counter-intuitive, but really, it's the only thing that will work.

That's where I am right now. If I appear to be making horrible mistakes, please drop me a line or comment and tell me so.
ADDENDUM: I should point out that If I had to rely on a cream depilatory, this plan would still be "in progress". Nair for Men has figured out what men really hate about Nair: the act of smearing it on ourselves. So in addition to the "normal" cream, they market it as a spray and as a roll-on.